Her Greatest Test
by IntriguingScenes
Summary: Adamant Fortress was a nightmare, in more ways than one. For Inquisitor Cara Trevelyan, however, escaping the Fade was just the beginning. Now she has to deal with the knowledge and memories that came back with her.
1. Chapter 1

I forgot I wrote this quite a while back until I played through "Here Lies the Abyss" the other day. It was originally one document, but I decided to break it up into chapters because it was a bit long. Cara struggles with the events at Adamant. She considers it here greatest challenge while leading the Inquisition, and her friends see the impact it has on her. Several chapters, this one included, are from Cullen's POV. Hope you all like this new story and, as always, feedback is appreciated!

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After leaving the Inquisitor at the broken gate to Adamant Fortress, Cullen had returned to the command post he set up away from the front line. He hated being out of the fray, but his position in the Inquisition required him to keep track of everyone, not fight personally. The fighting had been raging for quite some time. Slowly, though, the Wardens started fighting with Inquisition soldiers instead of against them. Not all of them, unfortunately, but many. Cullen suspected those reports were Cara's doing. It seemed to be going well, better than he had hoped, until the dragon showed up. His heart dropped to his stomach when he heard it screeching. Scouts had thoroughly combed the area and found no sign of the monster, yet here it was, attacking the fortress repeatedly. It took strength Cullen hadn't realized he had to not think of Cara being in that mess somewhere. He kept his mind on his work, somehow. One messenger was all it took to change the calm he schooled himself to.

Cullen didn't see what happened when the dragon finally stopped attacking; he was just glad it did. He was far enough away that he didn't realize part of the fortress crumbled into a ravine. He never knew how many scouts and messengers checked their information before giving it to him, or the struggle they had over who would have to give their Commander the news his lover had fallen with the fortress. The woman who drew the short stick approached Cullen's table appearing normal to him, if a little frazzled. In this situation, he wasn't surprised. This report, however, he had to read twice before comprehending.

 _Dragon has quit the field. Magister responsible found and being brought in. Inquisitor, her party, the Champion, and Ser Stroud missing after section of the fortress collapsed. Reports of Rift opening in their last known location._

Reminding himself to breathe, he quietly dismissed the soldier before he said something he shouldn't. For the first time in a long time, he didn't know what to do. There were lingering demons that needed to be dealt with, but should he send a search party for her? She could be injured. He didn't allow himself to contemplate what else could have happened to her. He wanted to go himself, to sift through rubble if he had to. But already he could see her disappointed look if he left his troops to their own devices. There was really no option, though he desperately wanted there to be. Taking a deep breath, he caught another messenger to get a couple of scouts. While he waited, he closed his eyes and said a silent prayer, for Cara, her friends, all of them. He looked up when two scouts arrived, saluting as they approached.

"This is of the utmost importance and secrecy. Do you understand?" Not wanting rumors to spread about the Inquisitor, he waited for their affirmation before continuing. "The Inquisitor and her party are missing. We know only their last whereabouts. I want you to try to find out what happened and try to find them, if you can. They may be injured or in trouble, but we can't stop a battle to find them right now." _As much as I wish we could_ , he added silently. He gave them the few details he knew and watched them depart. _Two scouts. Maker knows what the situation is and all I can do is send two scouts._

Keeping his mind on the battle wasn't easy, but he had to. He wasn't going to let the Inquisitor down by worrying about her and losing sight of what they had to do here. So he directed the battle, even though the pain that was developing in his chest the longer he went without news was starting to rival the pain of lyrium withdrawal. Finally, the two scouts returned. One look at their faces, though, and Cullen knew the situation wasn't good.

"I'm sorry, Commander, but we could find no sign of them," said one of the scouts. A young Orlesian woman. "It's like they just vanished. We can't get to the bottom of the ravine to search further while the battle is going on." Her Dwarven partner joined in the report.

"There were reports of a Rift opening near there. It could have been the Inquisitor." Cullen felt like he was falling apart inside, but he carefully schooled his face to a calm veneer.

"Alright," he told them. "Thank you for looking as far as you can. Please find one of the Nightengale's—"

"Commander!" He was interrupted by a new messenger running as fast as possible toward his table. Cullen recognized her as the messenger who gave him the news to begin with. She arrived out of breath and had to lean on the table a moment before saluting. "Commander! We found her! The Inquisitor and her party are alive!"

"Where? Are they injured?"

"You aren't going to believe me, but they stepped out of a giant Rift well within the fortress. I saw it myself. She stepped out of the Rift and with one motion of her marked hand, all the demons disappeared! It was the most incredible thing I've ever seen in my life…" Though Cullen thought she looked old enough to not easily be so awe-struck, he couldn't blame her in this case. The two scouts had similarly stricken looks. Cara's legend continued to grow among his troops.

"So they are well?" She hadn't actually answered that question and he had to be sure.

"Apart from minor injuries, yes. They seem to be perfectly fine. It's…it's a miracle, Commander." He wasn't entirely sure he could disagree with her.


	2. Chapter 2

Now that I have a few more minutes, I'm going to post the rest of the chapters for this story. Had to get them divided and uploaded first! :)

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Knowing she was alive and well helped immensely, as did the apparent end of the battle for Adamant Fortress. After hearing of her return from the Fade he got nearly constant reports of where she was and what she was doing. Cullen and Cara did their best to be professional in front of the Inquisition, though everyone knew they were together. He didn't like it being so public, but in this case, he didn't mind that everyone knew about their relationship as he was getting the distinct feeling his scouts and messengers were deliberately keeping him informed _because_ he couldn't go to her. She had recruited the Grey Wardens into the Inquisition, at least those in Orlais. Then she and her party went to the healers, though all their injuries were minor. Apparently she then sent her followers back to the camps to get some sleep, but Cara stayed with the healers trying to help with the overflow. That messenger had seen fit to add that while the Inquisitor couldn't do much for some of the greater wounds, she could at least bandage smaller ones. After the wounded stopped flowing to the healers so constantly, she went back into the fortress to help weed out any remaining pockets of demons, though there were almost none. So she started checking bodies, looking for anyone who was still alive.

With all of the cleanup from the battle and reports of various natures coming in, it was dawn before Cullen allowed Captain Rylen to take over for a couple of hours while he got a bit of rest. He thought about going to find Cara, who was still finding things that needed done, but he needed to stay close to their command post in case anything happened. He managed to get a little rest before relieving Rylen. From the reports gathered during the last couple hours, it appeared as though the bulk of their forces could return to Skyhold soon with only some of their number remaining to continue work in the area. That number would be fewer with the Grey Wardens helping.

"Have you heard anything on the Inquisitor?" Cullen asked.

"Last report was that she was still combing through bodies on the field. Personally, I had heard she found a few who were still living. Other than that, ser, I've heard nothing."

"Try to find a messenger to find her, would you? She needs to be updated on our progress. If she can't be found, look for Varric, Blackwall, or Dorian; they would likely know where she is." He gave the Captain a few other tasks, then watched him depart the command post. It was an hour before he saw Dorian approach, with Varric and Blackwall in tow. Only Dorian approached the table, though.

"Commander, we have searched high and low and can find no sign of Cara." The Tevinter looked nervous and concerned. Looking behind him, Cullen noticed their friends looking little better.

"She has to be here somewhere," Cullen said quietly. A messenger approached then, saluting when he arrived at the table.

"Ser! We found the Inquisitor, sort of."

"Sort of?" Dorian didn't let the messenger finish before snorting the question with derision.

"Yes. It took time to track her movements. It appears as though she has sought out every little thing that needs attention and seen to it herself. As far as we can tell, the last anyone saw of her was about two hours ago in the healers tents. They say she volunteered to go get them some more elfroot. We think she's still out." Cullen waited until dismissing the messenger to look to Dorian with an extremely worried look. He found the same expression looking at him.

"We'll find her," Dorian told him.

"I'm coming with you."

"You're needed here and you know it. She would hate for you to run after her when this lot needs a leader right now." Unfortunately, he couldn't argue with that logic. He dropped his head and leaned on the table for a moment before looking back up, resigned to staying where he was needed more.

"Dorian, I've been getting reports on her movements all night. I don't think she's even sat down since the battle ended."

"Reports? Then you haven't seen her?" Cullen shook his head. "Oh dear. Try not to worry, Cullen. We'll find her. I'm sure she's fine." With that, Dorian turned on his heel and left with Varric and Blackwall. Cullen thought it looked like they were all walking more swiftly than usual.

Though it seemed an eternity, Cullen was certain they hadn't been gone that long when he spotted Dorian approaching with Cara behind him. _Thank the Maker_ , he thought. The pair seemed to be in a very heated conversation about something, eventually prompting Dorian to turn to speak to her more sharply. Cullen was trying to watch without seeming to, but it looked like the mage was more flustered than when he had seen him earlier. They finally approached his table after speaking for a few minutes. When they got closer, Cullen realized that Cara looked awful. She had dark circles under her eyes and she seemed pale, despite them being in a desert. There was also a cut on her cheek, no doubt from the battle. She had very expressive eyes that, once he learned them, often told him everything he needed to know. Today they spoke of sadness and doubt that she was trying to cover up, which probably worked for most people.

"We found the Inquisitor, Commander. She was just outside camp, returning with more elfroot than she could carry." Dorian then took his leave, but Cullen didn't think he strayed too far. Cara, meanwhile, knew Cullen could read her like an open book, so she hardened her gaze when he looked at her.

"I also found a new rock quarry we may be able to use. Right…here," she said pointing to the map. "What's our status, Commander?" She was being too formal for his taste, but she was as stubborn as a mule when she didn't want to talk about something, so he didn't ask for the time being. Instead, he explained to the Inquisitor what was going on.

"We should be able to return the bulk of our force to Skyhold within a day or two," he concluded. She was looking down at his map chewing on her lip.

"Good. Let's get a horse ready for Hawke; she said she was going to Weishaupt to inform the Wardens there of what was going on. I think there is little more I can contribute here, so I'll gather my team and head out. There are a couple of quick little things I need to see to on our way back to Skyhold. I'll also write Josephine so she isn't surprised that the Grey Wardens are joining us, though I'm sure Leliana likely already knows." She nodded to herself and started to turn away. Cullen caught her arm and pulled her back.

"Cara, what's wrong?" She looked at him with that same hard expression.

"I'm fine. We stopped Corypheus building an army of demons and many of the Wardens are joining us. I would call this a victory."

"Stop acting like the Inquisitor for a minute, will you, Cara? I know you're not alright." Her façade slipped just slightly, barely long enough for him to see the pain behind her eyes. She was quick to harden them again, though at least she did put a hand where his still rested on her arm.

"Being the Inquisitor is the only thing holding me together right now, love." She patted his hand, gave him the most heart wrenching half-smile he had ever seen, and walked away. At least he was fairly certain that meant she would tell him eventually. Cullen was still worried about her, more than he had been, really, so he sent a messenger with a note to Dorian before they departed the camp.

 _Keep an eye on Cara. She won't be able to keep this façade up for long._

Dorian got a message to him the next day with an update on Cara. Apparently she was pushing herself hard, but not her companions. He said that she had quite a few minor tasks to accomplish and she was trying to fill some of the quartermaster's requisitions, often telling them they could remain in camp if they wished. They rarely did. Somehow Cullen got a message from Dorian nearly every day. It usually said something very similar to the day before, but he would rather have redundant news than nothing. Much to his surprise, Cullen made it back to Skyhold before Cara and her party. Thankfully that was also the day he got a message saying that they were leaving the Exalted Plains and were returning home. He was still worried, but at least Cara would be home soon.


	3. Chapter 3

Cara didn't think she had ever been as glad to see Skyhold coming into view as she was today. The Exalted Plains were often trying on a good day, and this trip had not entirely been a good day. In fact, if she was honest, she hadn't really had a good day since Adamant, but she wasn't prepared to think of that yet, so she shoved those memories down like she had been for two weeks. Varric and Blackwall were now behind her on their horses, discussing ideas for Varric's new mystery serial while Dorian rode his grey mare beside her, occasionally inserting an idea. Cara rode along quietly, even more silent than she had been. She hoped her friends hadn't noticed, but in reality, she suspected they had noticed more than they were letting on. Today was different, though. Her friends didn't know that she had been wounded the night before they left five days ago, and she didn't want them to find out now. It was taking all her concentration just to stay on her horse.

When they finally crossed Skyhold's bridge, she gratefully, and carefully, slid off her chestnut mount, Daisy. She was beyond exhausted and she hurt all over. All she wanted to do was slink off to her quarters and stay there for a day. Or three. That, however, was not in store for her at the moment since Josephine hurried over to speak to her. Cara couldn't suppress the slight groan that came out of her mouth as she closed her eyes. There was always something that required her attention. The events at Adamant still haunted her and she wasn't certain how much longer she could keep shoving it to the side. _One more thing_ , she promised herself. _Just deal with this one last thing before you lose it_.

"Inquisitor!" Josephine called to her. "I'm so glad you are back safely. I know you would like to clean up, but we must address the addition of the Wardens to the Inquisition, among other things. Could you please meet us in the War Room in a few minutes?" Cara placed her Inquisitor's façade on her face, trying to ignore the increasing ache from her wound.

"Of course, Josephine. I'll be right there." Cara made sure Daisy was being taken care of before beginning the almost daunting climb to the War Room. She tried to move normally and not hold her wound, but it was becoming more difficult. Finally she made it to the large wooden table where they discussed their plans. Everyone else filed in just moments later.

Cara studied the map in front of her, dimly hearing Josephine go on about the Grey Wardens. No, she was on an alliance with some marquis or duke or something now. The longer she stood there, though, the more unstable she felt and the wound across her stomach began aching fiercely. It was probably bleeding again. She realized she was suddenly feeling very hot, too.

"Inquisitor?" Josephine was trying to get her attention. Cara looked up at the ambassador to find all three of her advisors watching her with concern, particularly Cullen.

"I'm sorry, Josephine. What were you saying?" At least, that was what she was trying to say. She wasn't at all certain her mouth was cooperating with her. She looked back down at the table, blinking hard and trying to clear her vision of the dots she found in her periphery. She could barely think straight and was just vaguely aware of the three people across from her trying to get her attention, trying to make sure she was alright. Feeling a hand pressing on her cheek, she found herself looking up into warm amber eyes before she felt herself falling and everything went black.


	4. Chapter 4

Something had been wrong with Cara since she walked through the door. Cullen watched her the entire time, trying to decipher what it was. From Dorian's updates, he knew she hadn't been sleeping or eating and she had been constantly on the move, but now she looked pale and she seemed to be sweating. When she had looked up at Josephine, she looked far away. She had tried to say something to the ambassador, but it was so slurred, he wasn't sure what it was. All sense of proper decorum left him as he tried to get her to look at him, talk to him, something. When she continued to stare down at the table, he rushed to her side. She still didn't respond, so he placed a hand on her cheek to turn her towards him. Her gaze met his, but he didn't think she even knew who she was looking at. Thankfully he also had a hand around her waist because her eyes closed and she went completely limp in his arms. Leliana and Josephine ran around the table to him.

Looking down at the unconscious Inquisitor he had lowered to the ground, Cullen could tell that she really was extremely pale and rather gaunt looking. Her red hair was sticking to her forehead, causing him to suspect she had a fever. She didn't move at all while he held her, but when he lightly placed his free hand on her stomach, she gave a slight groan. Glancing at his fellow advisors, he pulled her jacket and shirt away from her stomach. There he saw a bandage wrapped around her, a little bit of blood seeping through. The women gasped, Josephine putting a hand over her mouth in surprise. Cullen just pursed his lips with a silent prayer.

"I'll go get a healer. And Blackwall," Leliana said as she sprinted out of the room.

"And I'll go get Varric and Dorian," Josephine offered as she did the same. Cullen nodded, though they didn't see him, and picked up the Inquisitor. Thankfully Leliana and Josephine had left the doors to the main hall open, seeming to know what he would do, and he carried Cara's limp form to her quarters.

Laying her on the bed, he started removing her jacket and shirt, thanking the Maker that she didn't have her usual armor on today. Cara never stirred, but moaned a little when he got too close to her stomach. Varric and Dorian arrived a few minutes later, stopping dead in their tracks at the top of the stairs. Cullen had taken the binding off of Cara's wound and all three men were shocked to see a long, though not deep, slice across her stomach that was clearly infected.

"What in Andraste's name happened!" Cullen whirled on her friends, even though he knew they weren't to blame.

"I don't…I don't know," Dorian replied, eyes never leaving her stomach.

"We didn't even know she was hurt!" Varric countered. "She seemed fine, Cullen, I swear it. Quite upset about Adamant, but physically she was fine." The fact that Varric used Cullen's given name rather than the nickname the dwarf had given him told Cullen how serious he was.

One of the healers arrived soon after, shooing out everyone in the room. Cullen didn't want to leave Cara alone like that, but he knew the healer had to be able to do her work. So he stood at the bottom of her stairs with everyone else, waiting for word. _Her wound wasn't that serious_ , he kept telling himself. _She'll be fine. She's strong. This isn't how this ends_. Blackwall, Varric, and Dorian compared notes, trying to figure out at least when it had happened, with little success. Cullen kept switching between pacing and silently praying while leaning on the railing. Josephine and Leliana spoke quietly by themselves.

An hour had passed and still the healer hadn't appeared. Cullen was getting more and more anxious by the minute. He just kept telling himself that she would be fine, but the longer they waited, the more he began to fear she wouldn't be. Shaking his head and running his hand through his hair, he tried yet again to banish the image of the War Room out of his mind; the unfocused look in her eye, the way she fell into his arms, how motionless she was. Dorian appeared beside him as he leaned on the railing.

"She will be fine, Commander. I'm certain of it."

"Maker, I hope so." Cullen just hung his head. "I wish I at least knew what happened." He meant that he didn't know how she was wounded, but it occurred to him that he still didn't know what happened at Adamant.

"So do we all. We can't figure out when she was hit or why she didn't say anything." Josephine approached after Dorian finished speaking. She looked miserable.

"Cullen, I am so sorry. I know this must be a nightmare for you." His relationship with the Inquisitor was no secret around Skyhold, especially between his fellow advisors. Josephine looked up with red eyes. "If I hadn't been so determined to call the council as soon as she arrived, she could have gone to the healers. This is all my fault…" Cullen stepped over to the now weeping ambassador and hugged her. It still amazed him that they had become such good friends in the past months.

"It isn't, Josephine, and you know it." He pulled her back to look her in the eye. "You know Cara. I love her, but if she doesn't want a thing known, it will never see the light of day. Yes, she _might_ have gone to a healer. But far more likely she would have come directly up here and dealt with it herself." She smiled sadly at him and he dropped his hands from her shoulders. "As much as I hated to see it, it might have been for the best that she was with us when…when she…" He couldn't finish the thought. Now it was his turn to hang his head and allow Josephine to comfort him.

Ten minutes later the healer finally opened Cara's door and descended the stairs. They all rushed to her to hear the news, etiquette thrown completely by the wayside. Cullen was a little frustrated that he couldn't read the woman's face before she spoke. But she did finally tell him the words he had been going mad waiting to hear.

"She's going to be fine." Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Leliana even put an arm around Josephine's shoulders and hugged her. "She needs rest and she hasn't come around yet, but she'll be alright. The wound itself wasn't serious, but it was badly infected. It got into her blood. Had she been gone another day, we may be having a different conversation." Cullen resisted the urge to hug the woman.

"Well go one, then, man!" Dorian smiled broadly and half shoved Cullen up the stairs. "We all know you're dying to see your love!" Cullen thanked the healer and bounded up the stairs.


	5. Chapter 5

Cara was lying on her bed, one arm across her chest just above her wound. She was breathing regularly and didn't appear to have a fever any longer. Cullen walked across the room slowly. He didn't think he would wake her, but he didn't want to take the chance. It was difficult to see her like this, even though she looked much better than she had in the War Room. For that matter, she looked better than she had after the battle.

He had so many questions he wanted answers to, but they would have to wait until she woke up. After reaching the edge of her bed, he looked down at her peaceful face. He had always known this, or worse, was a possibility. She ran straight into danger every time she left Skyhold. He wanted to keep her from that, but he also knew that she was capable enough herself most of the time.

He desperately wanted to sit on the edge of her bed, but opted for a chair to be sure she wasn't disturbed. He did take her hand in his, though. So he sat beside her, holding her hand, willing her to wake up. The healer had said she would be alright, but Cullen would still feel better when she regained consciousness. Studying her features, he couldn't help but wonder for what seemed like the thousandth time why she hadn't said anything. She knew better than that. He wanted to be at least annoyed with her for it, but he couldn't manage to keep a hold of the feeling. They would have to have a conversation about this later, of course, but for now he was just content to sit here, trying his best to be patient.

A couple of hours had passed when Cullen decided to stretch his legs a bit and put another log on the fire. The sun was making its descent behind the mountains creating a shower of reds and purples through the window. He had always enjoyed this time of day for some reason. It had always struck him as rather peaceful, though he didn't have a clue why it should seem that way. He stood at the window for a while watching the sunset, wishing Cara were awake to enjoy it with him. As if on cue, Cullen heard movement behind him, then whimpering. Turning quickly he saw Cara move on her bed. He returned to her side, taking her hand in his. Her eyes were closed tight and the whimpering became louder.

"Cara? Wake up, love. It's alright." He squeezed her hand and her eyes shot open. She was breathing heavily and there were tears dripping down her cheeks. "It's alright. It was just a dream." She blinked up at him, trying to focus her eyes on the person beside her.

"Cullen?" she asked weakly.

"I'm here, love." His hand remained wrapped in hers, but with his free hand he reached up to stroke her cheek. "Just rest. Everything's fine." She touched the hand on her cheek and blinked hard again before she spoke.

"What happened? The last thing I remember is speaking to Josephine by the stables. She wanted to talk about the Wardens before I got cleaned up." Clearly she didn't want to talk about the nightmare that woke her up or the fact that she had tears in her eyes.

"And we were trying to. You scared us all half to death is what ended up happening. The wound no one knew you had was infected. You passed out in the War Room." Cara grimaced and closed her eyes again.

"I knew that was getting worse," she said so quietly he could barely hear her.

"We were all worried about you. Please don't do that again." He gave her a small smirk, even though her eyes were closed.

"I'll try not to." Her words were slurred and when she tried to look up at him, her eyes were even less focused than they had been. "Sorry…worrying…you." Her hand lost its grip on his and she was asleep again.

Cullen leaned forward and kissed her forehead. He thought about returning to his chair, but he didn't move. In spite of himself, he smiled down at the woman beside him. The healer had said she would be alright, but a mountain of tension he hadn't realized he'd been carrying lifted from just that brief conversation. This entire day had been straight out of one of his nightmares, though they usually ended far worse. It was a relief it didn't go that far.

It was a long time before he moved away from his position, and when he did, he merely shifted down to lean against the post of her bed with his hand on her leg. Though it may not have been the most comfortable position, he fell asleep a little while later, listening happily to the sound of his lover's gentle breathing. When Leliana and Josephine quietly came up the stairs to check on their friends, neither Cara nor Cullen even noticed. The women didn't stay long, only long enough to note the contented look on Cullen's face and surmise from that that Cara was alright. They exchanged pleased smiles, then silently slipped back down the stairs.


	6. Chapter 6

Cara first recognized the feel of her bed beneath her, then the bright light hitting her eyes. Stirring under her sheets, she opened her eyes to find Dorian sitting in a chair beside her reading a book. He smiled brightly at her when he realized she was looking at him.

"Welcome back to the land of the living, my friend. You gave us all quite a fright yesterday. Your dear commander was practically beside himself with worry for a while there. I nearly had to physically force him downstairs an hour ago to eat something." Dorian barked a small laugh, clearly remembering what was probably an amusing scene.

"So Cullen _was_ here last night?" Dorian nodded.

"Of course he was! You don't expect your loving ex-templar to just fill out requisitions when _you've_ been hurt, do you?"

"What? No! Maybe. I mean… Let me start over; that didn't come out quite right. I thought I remembered having a conversation with him last night, but I wasn't sure that actually happened. I thought that might have been a dream."

"Ah! Well, I can't help you there, but he was here until about an hour ago. I imagine he will be back any time now, actually." Cara nodded, but didn't say anything. Instead, she decided to try to sit up. Dorian, however, had other ideas as he placed a hand firmly on her shoulder.

"Not so fast. You need to rest. No need to rush things."

"I'm just sitting up, Dorian. I promise, I won't try to close any rifts for at least a day." Dorian laughed, noting that this was the first time in two weeks she had even _tried_ to say something humorous. He helped her sit up against the head of her bed. She tried not to wince when her wound started stinging a bit, but she wasn't sure she fooled her friend. Seemingly satisfied that she was alright, Dorian leaned back in his seat, suddenly looking more serious.

"We all really were very worried, you know. Cullen demanded to know what happened and none of us had any idea. And I get the impression you still haven't told him about the Fade like you said you would." The mage looked very upset. Cara couldn't stand the look, so she began a study of her hands on her lap. "What happened, Cara? _When_ were you hit? Why didn't you say anything? I easily could have fixed that." Cara suddenly realized with a wave of pure shame that Dorian was blaming himself for the whole situation.

"Dorian, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to go the way it did. My own stupidity and stubbornness is to blame, nothing more."

"At least tell me what happened," Dorian begged her. Cara sighed, knowing she would be telling this story for days. She almost didn't want to say, but it was only a matter of time before everyone figured it out. Truthfully, half the soldiers in the Exalted Plains probably knew by now.

"You know the night before we started back toward Skyhold, those Freemen got a little too close to camp? I couldn't sleep, so I was by the fire when the fighting began. I decided to help our soldiers, since I was there. We had gotten almost all of them when I looked around to see one last holdout behind one of our men. The boy had no idea he was there and the way that Freeman was going, he would have killed him before anyone else even looked up. I didn't have an angle to be able to just kill the man, or the time to get his attention. I had to do something quickly, so…" Cara paused, slightly ashamed that she caused so much worry, but also determined not to apologize for saving a life. Taking a deep breath, she looked Dorian in the eye and continued. "So I ran, shoved the soldier, and took the hit myself before dispatching the Freeman." Dorian stared at her in shock.

"You took a sword to your stomach so a random soldier in the Exalted Plains would live." He was clearly incredulous.

"I knew between my agility and angle, I could take a very minor hit and I was prepared to do that to keep someone else from taking a lethal one. I just didn't count on it getting so infected."

"But why didn't you get me? Wait, how did you get hit to begin with? Your armor should have—"

"She wasn't wearing her armor, were you Cara?" Neither of them had heard Cullen return during the story until he interrupted Dorian's thought. Cara didn't know how much he had heard, but from the emotionless mask he was carefully keeping on his face, she guessed it was most of it.

She still wouldn't apologize, but she did look down at her hands. She had been hoping not to have this conversation like this. She had known Cullen would figure out that she hadn't been wearing her armor, even if she didn't say it, but this wasn't how she had planned on it happening. When she didn't answer his accusation, Dorian let out a soft groan beside her.

"Oh, Cara. You weren't, were you?" Cara shook her head. "Is that why you didn't tell anyone?"

"Only partially. I didn't know what kind of reaction I would get from pulling a stunt like that, so I took care of it myself. If it hadn't gotten infected so badly, no one would ever have known. Well, except that soldier, I suppose." Both men were studying her closely. Dorian appeared to be struggling between wanting to strangle her and give her a commendation. She still couldn't read Cullen, and that concerned her. They had been together long enough that if she couldn't read him, it was probably because he was holding back some very strong emotions for a private moment. The tension mounted between Cara and Cullen. Finally Dorian stood up, grasped her hand, and kissed her cheek.

"Tell him," he whispered into her ear before leaving. She knew he meant the Fade. They had had a very strong discussion about telling her lover before they had even left Adamant.


	7. Chapter 7

Even after Dorian had gone, still Cullen said nothing. Cara wasn't going to be the one to start this. She didn't even know what was coming. A fight? A lecture? It seemed like an eternity before Cullen moved to lean against the banister of her stairs. He crossed his arms, looked her in the eye, and said one word.

"Why?"

"Excuse me?" Cara hadn't expected that question.

"Why?"

"Why what? Why did I keep it secret? Why did I react to the Freeman the way I did? Why did I not let the soldier get hit? Why did I not grab my armor? What?" He didn't answer, leaving Cara rather exasperated. "I think I've fully explained what happened. It was the middle of the night; of course I didn't have my armor on. I had to act quickly." In one quick movement he stood up and took a couple steps towards her bed. He didn't raise his voice, but that was almost worse for Cara than screaming. The intensity with which he spoke alarmed her.

"You could have been killed," he practically growled at her.

"I knew I would be fine," she countered.

"You couldn't have known."

"I did. And I am." Somewhere in the back of her mind she noticed that they had never fought like this before, at least not since they had gotten so close. Cullen was clearly getting flustered, exemplified by his voice getting louder.

"But you aren't! You passed out in the War Room!"

"And now I'm better!" Cara was usually good at maintaining her temper, but this was one time it was starting to get away from her.

"Only because a healer was here to help! If you hadn't been here you could have died!" Cullen closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He tried to regain his composure while rubbing the back of his neck, something he frequently did around her. "Everyone in this Inquisition is expendable. Even I'm expendable." He gave her a very pointed look. "But not you. You have to survive. You are the one who can to defeat Corypheus and Calpernia's Venatori. We all know that. That soldier knew the risks when he signed up; they all do. You can't risk yourself for one person, no matter how much you want to." As it turned out, that broke her carefully placed façade. She looked down and felt the tears fall silently onto her cheeks. She wanted to be angry at Cullen's accusation, but she knew it was true, if perhaps crudely worded.

"But I could save _him_ ," she said quietly. She got out of her bed and leaned against the post at the bottom so she wouldn't have to look Cullen in the eye. "I'm no soldier, Cullen. You know that. I pretend to be, but I'm not. There were so many that died at Adamant so I could do what I had to. And they knew. They knew exactly what was happening." She was staring at the hearth, but she wasn't seeing it. Images of bodies and the Fade kept creeping into her mind. From behind her, Cullen spoke.

"What are you talking about, Cara?" His voice was gentle, like he knew this was the culmination of weeks of agony.

"The dragon. It crushed part of the fortress. We weren't fast enough to get away and we fell. The only thing I could think to do was use the Anchor. I sent all of us, me, Dorian, Varric, Blackwall, and Hawke and Stroud, into the Fade. I saw a letter there from one of our soldiers. It said he knew they were a distraction for me and that the chances of living through it were slim. But they would do it anyway. Turns out there was a fear demon on the other side of the Rift I opened. It had been controlling the demons and was probably responsible for the false Calling the Wardens heard. It had…It had taken my memories of the Conclave. A spirit posing as Divine Justinia helped me get them back. My Anchor was from Corypheus. I picked up the orb he used. And it was Justinia behind me in the Fade, not Andraste. So I got my memories back to learn I'd been lying to half of Thedas all along. And then we were so close to making it out. But the fear demon got in our way and I had to choose between Hawke and Stroud who would distract it. I've never had to make a choice like that. The others were already gone, so I don't know if they even know. I practically murdered him. I had to say to his face that I was going to send him to his death." Her tears were coming in earnest now. At some point Cullen had put his hand on the small of her back. She had been so wrapped up in her account that she hadn't even noticed.

"So you allowed yourself to get wounded because there was one you _could_ save…" He surmised her feeling quite well and she nodded.

"I couldn't save our soldiers, I couldn't stop the Wardens without them. And I just keep thinking I should have sent Hawke and Stroud ahead and dealt with the demon myself. I've managed the impossible before, right? And I can actually open Rifts. But I couldn't take the chance that I would get stuck there." She looked up at him finally, allowing him to fully appreciate the torture she held in her gaze. "All of them believed in me, yet I've lied to them. I wanted to believe Andraste was with me, but now I don't know what I believe. But this one soldier on the Exalted Plains. He didn't know about any of that. He needed help and I was there. Just this one, I could save. I didn't have time for finesse, but I could save him."

Cullen found himself holding Cara against his chest feeling guilty he had been upset with her. He figured she had been in the Fade, but now he suddenly understood why she had run off to do everything she could think of and why she had told him that being the Inquisitor was the only thing holding her together. He wasn't entirely sure what to say to her, so he guided her down to sit on the edge of the bed, holding her the entire time. She never really cried. There were tears, but that was the extent of it. This was one of those rare times that tears weren't adequate for her grief. She clung to him like he was the one real thing left in the world, though. Eventually she looked up at him with a hint of her normal self.

"Forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive, love." He kissed her forehead. "I probably would have done the same in your position." She snuggled back against his chest, holding one of his hands. "But I think there's something you should know. People started following you because they believed you to be the Herald of Andraste, but that's not why they stayed. At least, that's not why our soldiers stay. They believe in you, not who you speak for. Every day your legend among them grows. It's your actions that keep them here. They may have known our attack was mostly a distraction, but they also knew that if anyone had any chance of doing what needed to be done, it was you. Besides, it's possible Andraste put you in the position to get the Anchor from Corypheus, in which case, she still helped you."

"It's funny. Spirit-Justinia said the same thing. I almost believed her for a little while, but on top of everything else, it was just too much to take." Looking up at him, Cara moved her hand to touch his cheek. "I don't know what I'd do without you. I honestly don't think I would have made it this far." She leaned up to kiss him gently, then leaned her forehead against his. They stayed like this for a while, both just happy the other was alive and, mostly, well.

"Did you really step out of a rift and remove all the demons with one motion?" Cara gave a breathy laugh.

"Yes. I suppose I was feeling a little dramatic after all that mess. I didn't even realize the Anchor could do that, and I'm not sure I could do it again if I had to." Cullen looked at her with complete surprise.

"I had honestly thought that was an exaggeration. You should have seen the looks on the messenger's face when she told me about it. I don't think meeting the Maker himself would have produced such awe." Cara laughed.

"You weren't kidding about my legend, were you?"

"Not in the slightest."


End file.
